Why We Compare Ourselves to Others (and Why Social Media Makes It So Easy)
It can happen in a matter of seconds.
You’re scrolling on your phone, minding your own business, feeling perfectly fine, and then you see someone’s vacation, engagement, body, career, house, relationship, morning routine, or seemingly effortless ability to make sourdough from scratch. And then… something shifts.
Am I doing enough? Why don't I look like that? Should I be further along by now? What am I doing with my life?
Nothing about your life actually changed in those few seconds. But your perception of it did. How you feel about yourself did.
Comparison has a sneaky way of turning someone else’s life into a commentary on our own. Their success becomes evidence that we're behind. Their appearance becomes evidence that we're not attractive enough. Their relationship becomes evidence that something must be wrong with ours.
While social media has made comparison way too easy, comparison itself is nothing new. We have historically looked to other people for information about ourselves. We notice where we fit, what is expected of us, what is valued, and whether we're "doing okay." In many ways, looking around is one of the ways we learn how to navigate the world and connect it to our sense of self.
Notice when you compare
When we feel grounded and secure, someone else's success might simply be something we can appreciate. But when we're questioning our appearance, career, relationships, choices, or where we're headed in life, another person's success can feel much more personal. We tend to compare more when we're already feeling uncertain about ourselves.
Suddenly, we're not just noticing them. We're evaluating ourselves.
This is one reason comparison can become so dang loud during times of transition. Starting college, changing careers, entering a new relationship, becoming a parent, moving somewhere are all extremely unsteady times. We are vulnerable to feeling uncertain about ourselves when we’re uncertain about what lays ahead. It’s so easy in those moments to think everyone else has it together.
Hear me out. Could comparison be useful?
Sometimes comparison is actually trying to tell us something useful. Maybe you see someone traveling and realize you desperately want more adventure in your life. Or you see someone's career and realize you want more creativity or autonomy. Does seeing someone who seems comfortable in their body makes you want the freedom you imagine comes with feeling at home in your own?
What is this comparison showing me?
What am I drawn to? What am I telling myself this person has that I don't? Do I actually want what they have, or have I simply learned that I'm supposed to want it? Is this comparison pointing toward a value, an unmet need, an insecurity, or an old story about what makes someone worthy?
Perhaps it simply reminds us that we've been scrolling for an hour and our brains are tired.
The goal isn't to never compare yourself to anyone again. We don’t live in black and white ‘round here. Can we notice when comparison has a function, information about ourselves that we’ve quieted or haven’t had space or time to think about.
